A New Direction

Sometimes when you least expect it God does something in your life that changes everything...He has done it again to me.

I started this Blog because I originally needed a place to express my feelings about my illness and the changes it has caused in my life; to be able to share things I did not feel I could publically share with family, friends, on social media sites...things I felt I needed to put down in writing. I thought someday, long after I was gone my daughters might want to read it. I originally was going to write once a week to sum up my weekly escapades and experiences, however, dysautonomia already altered that plan severely. I have a few followers because somehow you found me. I have been so afraid to make my Blog known out of fear. Fear of negative opinions, misunderstandings, rejection, all that came with people not understanding my chronic, life-threatening illness. So, when I felt like it I would randomly post a thought, knowing they were just my own private thoughts...

Now God does it again...I feel like He wants me to share it...and to share more than just thoughts about my illness. He has a message He wants shared and for some reason he wants me to do it. Oh yeah, me. I am laughing as I write this...this is not what I want to do...and He is saying it is what He wants me to do...so it has become an issue of obedience.

I originally started this Blog to write about mainly about my journey with dysautonomia but I can now see a bigger picture unfolding and I believe that is not what my entire journey will be about.  Some will choose to read this some will not but I will share what He asks me to.

I am not going to ask "why", rather I will respond by saying "whatever it takes Lord".

The verse I will end with today:

The one who looked like a man touched me and gave me strength. “Do not be afraid, you who are highly esteemed,” he said. “Peace! Be strong now; be strong.”

This is from Chapter 10 in the Book of Daniel

The adventure begins...

Choices

I will choose to love...no occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I will choose joy...I will refuse the temptation to by cynical. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I will choose peace...I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I choose patience...I will overlook the inconveniences of the world.

I will choose kindness...I will be kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I will choose gentleness...Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it only be in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and gentleness. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek God's grace. And when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Finding New Purpose...

Four years ago this month I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness that (so far) has no cure. I pray daily for “my” miracle but until that day arrives or until God decides it is time for me to come home to heaven I often struggle to find meaning and purpose for my days. The former life I had is gone and I am on a different journey. I have gone down the many roads such as anger, bitterness, grief, confusion, and regret…yet I find myself thinking that this is the journey I am destined to be on and I want to find meaning in it despite the circumstances. I am resilient..this may even be the beginning of something more meaningful. It has certainly helped me to reorder what my priorities are in life – what and who is important to me, how and whom I spend my time with.
I wonder how many other people have thought about how they would spend the rest of their life of they were told their life expectancy was shortened? What would they do with the time they had left? You see a “bigger picture” in many things. My ability to cope with crisis and problems has changed; I tend to not let things bother me – life really is too short. I want to show love better to others, to spend time with the people I care about, to savor the simple things in my life, to serve in whatever small ways I can.

Restless Clutter

Lately I have had this overwhelming sense that I need to simply my life even more than I have. I find myself wandering from room to room looking in closets and drawers staring at things that used to mean so much that now only take up space. My life has become living for the small pockets of joy I can grab in between the chaotic grip that dysautonomia seems to want to place on my life. I only want to savor the special moments with people I love; the things of this world seem to mean nothing anymore. Either I am restless or being prepared or something that is about to happen...

The Bigger Picture

Why does God allow us to go through pain and difficult times? We attempt to love Him as best as we humanly can, we serve Him by using the gifts and talents He has given us, we try to live our lives life for Him. I find that difficult to do when I am so sick much of the time and my body fails me. Sometimes all I want is a day when I can get up and feel half-way decent. God, I could use a break. I think part of His plan is that He is actually looking out for us. Because He really loves us, He is going to allow the pain and difficulty. He always sees the big picture, what we can’t see. He is constantly trying to mold and shape us if we allow Him to. He will place circumstances and people in our life to help guide us down the right path but we need to be willing to listen and follow. I think life doesn’t go the way we plan because God has a different plan. His destiny for our lives has solely to do with our salvation. His main desire is that we reach that destiny. His plan includes stops that encourage us and He is disappointed with the stops we make that deter us. When His sovereign plan and our earthly plans collide then a decision must me made; just who is in charge of the journey? If God has to choose between our happiness here on earth or our eternal salvation obviously He will close salvation. I think we learn something from the difficult times we go through – we grow. We find that usually have no place else to turn but to God because everything and everyone else has failed. Every incident can be used to bring us closer to Him. The difficult times used to frighten me but for some strange reason now I expect them. Satan has no power except that which God gives him. I expect I will be tested by the enemy because he wants to distract me from my destiny; but if I can hold on and endure I am promised the crown of life for eternity. Even when Satan appears to win, he loses - always. God did not promise the journey would be easy – He only promised a safe arrival. Before I knew Christ the difficult times were more difficult. Now I have power greater than the enemy. Satan accuses us but Jesus stands up for us and Satan doesn’t stand a chance. Satan is silent in the proclamation of Christ and is powerless against the protection of Christ. Jesus promised to keep us safe – hell will have to get through Him to get to us. There will still be difficult times in this life here – I must keep my eyes on the eternal prize and not lose sight of what and who really matter. Life here on earth is guaranteed to be an unpredictable journey...a series of bad days and good days, ups and downs. I will try to enjoy what I can. I have the assurance of my salvation and that is the prize worth fighting for. Someday I will be able to truly rest and enjoy the glory of my King.

Flying With Broken Wings

I am laying here in my world of darkness waiting to soar again, trying to figure out a way to let my light shine again. I try to cling to what is familiar to me but the days and months pass and nothing seems to feel right anymore. The life I have known is gone. The people who surround me are strangers yet still my loved ones. How do I create a new life when I feel so lost? I am trying to fly with broken wings. I can no longer fly so I will only soar again if held in the hands of the One who can hold me tight and never let me go.

Rainy Days

...rainy days can be cleansing times. The darkness sometimes stirs up a melancholy feeling inside me which leads to a time of pondering, soul-searching, dreaming and goal setting. Often I will have a time of crying out, praying and solitude that actually leaves me feeling refreshed once it is over.

When I was first diagnosed with dysautonomia I was angry...very angry. My life as I know it has been turned upside down. This new path I am on is uncertain. I often feel alone and scared...my human side vulnerable and exposed, probably what God wants. Deep in my heart I know that even as others in my life seem absent I have my God, He is always there, I am never alone...

Today it is raining...cold, dark...but I am not alone.

Tears on My Pillow

...are the tears upon my pillow evidence of dreams that have been lost or could they be of hope that yet remains?