Control Freak Rehabilitation

One of the most difficult things I have had to accept and learn to become accustomed to since being diagnosed with a chronic illness is that I am not in control of my life; every day is unpredictable. Prior to getting sick I always thought I was in control. I was the planner and organizer, I figured everything out, and others could count on me to help. Being sick has forced me to slow down, to depend on others and to view life with an eternal perspective. Knowing my life expectancy has been shortened has jolted me with a sudden realization that I never really controlled anything; being in control was an illusion. I take nothing for granted and relish the small, simple things in each day. I savor the blessings granted to me.

At first the loss of my independence was a struggle that frustrated me beyond belief. I also had moments of great sadness and needed to grieve the loss of my life as I had come to know it; learning to become patient and wait…wait for God to make a move and let me know what His plan was made me feel extremely uncomfortable at times. It was during the long days and nights of silence, pain and crying out that I eventually came to a place of peace, contentment and feeling blessed. Being stripped of my former self has given me the opportunity to become the person God wants to shape me into.

Along with patience have come other virtues that I am embracing such as endurance, empathy and resilience. I feel so calm. This past year in particular I have felt a peace that is indescribable. My body may be weak at times but spiritually and emotionally I feel strong. God has taken me to a place that is beyond my expectations. I have prayed for physical healing and it has not happened but for the first time I am okay with where He is taking me. I feel Him preparing me for something far greater than what I was expecting. He is simply asking me to be patient. He has asked me to trust Him and wait for His plan to unfold.
I hear His voice, loud and clear. I feel His presence. I see Him at work all around me. He reminds me that He is in control. Would I have spent all this time with Him, listening to Him, seeking Him, crying out to Him if I had not been so sick and forced to slow down? This most difficult time has turned into a blessing.

1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.